It’s 1993-ish. My best friend and I have declared our majors at Wake Forest University. We waited until the last minute and chose psychology. So now the fun courses begin.
We promptly register for the Human Sexuality class – because who doesn’t want to talk about sex for college credit? Then, we sign up for Abnormal Psychology. Obviously. Everyone wants to hunt down serial killers and explore the darkest corners of human behavior, right?
The following semester, Kat and I are sitting in the front row of our Abnormal Psych class in Winston Hall. Our professor (can’t for the life of me remember her name!) greets us with this warning:
“You are going to spend this semester diagnosing your entire family with psychological disorders. You will most likely be wrong.”
Dr. What’s-Her-Name was right on both counts. But did that stop Kat and me? Of course not. In fact, it felt like a challenge. A double dog dare if you will. After all, we were in our early 20s and pretty much knew everything.
With this post, I invite you…nay…I double dog dare you to diagnose your boss and coworkers as narcissists. You will most likely be wrong. But don’t let that stop you.
Grandiose vs. Vulnerable: The Two Faces of Narcissism
In recent psychological literature, narcissism shows up in two major forms: grandiose and vulnerable.
Most studies focus on grandiose narcissists because they tend to be highly visible and more likely to climb into leadership roles. But don’t let the term “vulnerable” fool you – both types can wreak havoc.
Grandiose narcissists often project their ego outward, demanding attention and admiration. Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are more covert. They sulk, complain, and manipulate from the shadows.
Let’s look at how each type impacts the workplace AND how to deal with them.
Dealing with Grandiose Narcissists
Grandiose narcissists often dominate conversations, ignore feedback, and insist on doing things their way. Decision-making suffers because they rely on instinct rather than input and resist changing course even when evidence demands it.
They rarely take responsibility when things go south. Instead, they blame others, which may help explain why narcissistic CEOs are more likely to manipulate earnings or commit fraud. Externalizing blame justifies dishonesty in their eyes.
Pros: Charisma, confidence, vision. These traits can inspire teams…at first.
Cons: They typically perform no better (and often worse) than less narcissistic peers.
How to protect yourself from a grandiose narcissist:
- Engage as little as possible. Keep your head down and do good work.
- Use the Grey Rock Method: Be boring and unemotional.
- Avoid power struggles. They won’t change.
- Don’t internalize their criticism or gaslighting.
- Be prepared to walk away. Ask yourself: Do they pay me enough for this?
Dealing with Vulnerable Narcissists
Unlike their flashier counterparts, vulnerable narcissists prefer the shadows. But make no mistake, they’re just as disruptive.
They frequently engage in counterproductive work behaviors (CWPs): gossiping, complaining, loafing, misusing resources, and sabotaging team morale. Research shows a strong correlation between vulnerable narcissism and CWPs.
In short, they suck the life out of teams from behind the scenes.
How to protect yourself from a vulnerable narcissist:
- Set clear boundaries. Don’t participate in gossip or negativity.
- Resist the urge to comfort them or “fix” their worldview.
- Do not get sucked in and start displaying CWPs in your work. You’ll be the one who gets discovered and fired, not them.
A Final Word of Caution
Narcissists are real. And odds are, you’ll work with one (or several) during your career.
Keep in mind that narcissism (like most things) exists on a spectrum, and there is research that suggests that a small dose of narcissism in a leader can be a boon to follower satisfaction. It’s not an all or none, good vs. evil, victim or Viking, situation.
If you are self-aware enough to suspect that the narcissist could be you, seek help from a therapist. A therapist who specializes in narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can help you recognize and regulate emotions, develop healthy coping skills, and improve relationships.
And finally, let me pass along the warning that did absolutely nothing to stop Kat and me back in college:
Don’t diagnose people.
Sure, your coworker may be prone to negativity, or your boss may have an inflated sense of self. But that doesn’t necessarily make them a clinical narcissist.
Still…when there’s smoke, there might be fire. Trying some of the strategies above could save your sanity – whether or not there’s a diagnosis to back it up.
Want to learn more about how to thrive in challenging work environments? Explore the resources in my Crazy Productive Academy.
Oh, my, do I know narcissists. My father was diagnosed with (the grandiose flavor of) Narcissistic Personality Disorder in his 90s! So, when I had two different bosses when I worked in television who were (yes, I’m diagnosing them, but they could have been twins — triplets of my father) narcissists, I knew exactly how to handle them. One was early in my career, and I cut my teeth on learning to manage expectations and behaviors with them; the other was my last boss before starting my own business. Whatever faults I may have, my current boss (c’est moi!) is easier for me to deal with.
I wasn’t familiar with the concept of vulnerable narcissism, but all of the symptoms match exactly to someone with whom I worked in the middle of my career: insecure, distrustful, passive/aggressive (and a master at whispering under their breath), envious, always angry, craving attention. I wish I’d had this post to read in the mid-1990s! Your explanations and advice are very helpful.
I often recommend the Grey Rock method to clients dealing with the narcissistic behaviors of others in their lives, but I will now be able to point clients to this post!